Evil

Evil is not unlike a whisper at night heard far away from the great din of battle. This is where good's greatest fight is held. In the silent moments everyday is where we must triumph at last.

We live in a time of crisis. Not unlike the fiction we read as children, evil comes pressing in on every turn, every nook seems to be infiltrated with a corruption of what is good or a greater distortion of things that are not. "Battle" seems unavoidable. There comes a time when good needs to stand up to wrong in an age-old clash of the arms and it seems this time is now. 

No doubt this is true. Believers in truth and right need stand for those beliefs but there is a war greater than even our enemy knows.

This war is not held in the plains or on the city walls. 

Nor in Hollywood or New York.

This war is held in the smallest of places. 

Your heart.

There are moments in our lives that come to battle moments. Where we give all we have for right. The truth is that the enemy fears these moments. For even he knows that when we put out all the strength given to us by Christ there is nothing he can do to stop Him from winning. No, the enemy knows the great battle was lost ages ago. But he is crafty and won't go down without taking out as many as he can.

And so the true battle of our day and age is held in the quiet moments. As a matter of fact you wouldn't even know that there was a fight going on it's so subtle. What is so frightening about these fights is you stand completely alone with no hero to come save you. Just you, alone.

"Out of the heart comes life's issues" we are told in proverbs. It's the moments deep in your heart, nearly subconscious that we must stand strong to what we know is true. The truth shown in the scriptures must be so interwoven into our subconscious that the battle can be fought, and won.

It's those moments of what we watch, listen too, do on our own time, and our friends that make or break good's fight.

If we are so busy listening to evil's whispers in our entertainment, friends, and daily activities how can we expect to stand strong on the battle field? In reality the battlefield is nothing more than a parade showing the time and effort put to training.

So when evil is pushing in and you can't seem to win, think for a moment about the quiet battle. The one no one sees. The one deep inside. Do I consider what effect my friends and music have on me? If I am weak in training can I truly expect to be strong in battle? God help us to be strong in training which is truly the true battle.

Next time evil's whisperings come wafting through the night air stand strong friend. For it is the smallest battle that good must win.

"Grace for All" by Holly Starr

Heard this song on the radio the other day was so blessed.


His grace is all I need, 
His power when I'm weak,
And His love that carries me,
will always be enough. 

In which - I reckon with my past

His wife said to him, "Do you still retain your integrity? Curse God and die!" "You speak as a foolish woman speaks," he told her. "Should we accept only good from God and not adversity?" Throughout all this Job did not sin in what he said. - Job 2:9-10

I wish I could say what God says about Job applies to me.

But here is the simple fact;

It doesn't.

If there is one thing that I hate to do it is reckon with the past. I hate to be honest with myself.

But the past is what inspires the present. Without the past, there cannot be a present but somehow the past always looks so ugly. Like a bad dream that you just want to get away from but you can't. No matter how hard you try. Sometimes you just start running.

And running.

You know why you are running at first. 

But eventually all you know is;

running.

You thought running from your problems would solve all of them. Ignorance is bliss, right? But in time, the ignorance turns to guilt, which turns to pain, which turns to bitterness, which turns to more running which ends you up so far down the slippery slope that you have no idea how you got there. 

And you sit there and you feel so overwhelmed by your sin and shortcomings. You feel like a spring loaded knife, ready to spring on anyone who steps on your toes. 

You hate who you've become.

But you know no different. You start blaming all those around you. 

After all, my problems can't be my fault now can they?

Welcome to my inside life. That is the life that goes on inside my head. And while I hate to reckon with my past, I can't go on anymore in this pain and bitterness.

So it's time to come clean. It is time for you all to meet me; at my core. Aside from my church face, away from my social image. This is who I am.

I am an angry, 

hurt, 

selfish, 

insecure,

doubting,

and incredibly bitter person. 

But here is another fact; 

I'm tired of being this way.

I have tried to fix myself on my own and all I've done is slip farther away from God. I didn't know why I was so angry and bitter. I thought I had dealt with all the "instances" in my life that could cause this.

Then, as though on a mission direct from God a friend pulls me aside last night and asked the dreaded question.

"Jacob, how are you really doing"?

Ha. That's a zinger right there. I knew I couldn't honestly answer, "I'm great". So I just opened up, only to find out he was going through the same problem. 

This problem of being helpless to fix myself.

This problem of feeling like I had confessed everything.

This problem of feeling like there is this little black monster living inside me and every time I try to grab him, he slips through my fingers. 

I know while all the things I said exist in my life, they all come down to two things. Bitterness and no trust in God. 

I told my friend that I look back in my life and I see how many times my family has been shamed, falsely accused, ridiculed, used and wasted, and outcast for simply wanting to follow God. All this was done by "christian" people.

How can I really want to have anything to do with these "conservative" christians when they live in such an anti-Christian way? Where's the love, the grace? 

My friend looked at me and bluntly said;

"Jacob, you aren't bitter at the people, or the times, you are bitter....

...at God. You don't trust him and are bitter that He let you go through those hard times. "

Well when you put it that way.........

Ouch.

But suddenly it hit me. That is so true. While it hurts to admit it, I just do not trust God. Sure He saved me but every day life just has to be way too complicated for Him to handle. Right? Oh wait.....

This morning I opened up my bible to Job. I knew that if I could learn how to fight bitterness and a lack of trust there was one man I could get those skills from, and that was Job. And that is where these verses come up.

"Should we accept only good from God and not adversity?"

Well Job, thanks for putting that so blunt. It is becoming so clear to me that I have bought into the American-dreamanised-Christianity. 

If God is going to do just good things for me then obviously He isn't trust worthy. But here comes ninja Job saying hey. Do you really think you should only accept good from God? Like really Jacob? God created everything around you. As a matter of fact, He created you! He saved you, and He loves you. Why don't you trust Him?

My friend looks at me again, 

"you need to thank God for all those times, repent of your bitterness to Him, and trust Him. Every time you feel bitter and angry, stop. Thank God for the people, or place, or instance, or things said, or things not said. Thank Him for being so wise to give you what you are experiencing now. Remember who consequences come from. They don't come from us or the devil.

They come from God. And He can be trusted."

It was like a breath of fresh air after being in a closed off closet for 5 years. 

Do I like being responsible and exposed for what I am, no. Does it hurt. Yes. But I now know in my heart what I have always known in my head, 

God can be trusted. 

I know it doesn't feel like it. I know that. But God can be trusted.

My problems run deep. Not trusting God affects everything in my life. I have consequences to deal with and I know I won't be a new person over night. But I know now, that God is the one who is walking through this with me. 

So there you have it. I might have said it in a round about way but I am essentially a bitter and doubting person but with God's help, I long to become the opposite, a grace filled, trusting believer. And I am so thankful that He is showing me how.

Then again, He always has been showing me now, I just needed to open and listen.

Kiss The Rain-Yiruma

I was digging through my email looking for an old draft when I found a note to myself; "Kiss the Rain -Yiruma". I had no idea why I had written it down so I figured I look it up. All I can say is wow. This song is so beautiful! I hope you guys enjoy!

In which... I join the truck family

If you look out from my front porch you would see corn fields, corn fields, and woods. Living in the country has many benefits and to be honest, I don't think I could live in the city again. Yesterday, I made the leap to the truck family. God provided in so many ways and I am so thankful.

Alright, 'nough said. Time to go use that truck. :)

In which.... I learn to follow in the valley's

We've all been there. You are standing on the highest point of your life, arms up, and all you can do is praise. I mean, it is the natural response.

After all, when all is going well it is going...uhm...well.

But we all know, that the peaks don't last long. As a matter of fact, they probably make up a very small fraction of our lives.

So what is the rest of life? If not peaks, it could be flats. I know I have had many of those "flats". Everything feels stagnant and you don't know where to go, what to do, and you just are too apathetic to do anything at all. But again, while a much larger portion of life than the peaks, this isn't where most of life happens.

From my experience, most of life is experienced in the valley. Those low moments of life that don't seem to end and just keep coming. Those moments that just don't make sense, at all. No matter what you do, you can't escape them and you can't seem to conquer them.

But of course, those are all lies that our enemy would want us to believe.

When walking alone, the valley is indeed, impossible. We cannot handle it. If that was the end of the story it would be discouraging!

But the truth is, even though dark and even though bleak; the valley is where God is, and we do not walk alone. God's heart is in the valley, not for it. Yes, He is there in the peaks and flats, but it is here, in the valley where God shows us who we really are and who He really is. Job was a righteous man, but it wasn't until his trials, the valley in his life that he recognized his need and dependance on God.

It is in these moments, these dark, bittersweet moments where we can learn dependance, trust, and patience. And what more does God require of us other than to love and to trust?

I am in a valley right now. Life just doesn't make sense. But still, through my confusion, hidden tears, and frustration, I feel my Father leaning close, whispering in my ear, and telling me to not fear but just to hold onto Him.


Is this comfortable? No.


Is this where I want to be in life? No.


Is He here with me? Yes.


But I am learning that life is much more than comfort, or wants. Life is about trust and glory; both of which reflect very little towards us and reflect a lot towards our God.

And ultimately, it is about praising God in all moments of life. Including, the valley. So as I take a moment to just praise God during these hard times, I encourage you to do the same. No matter where you are, God's works are indeed as the verse says, "wonderful".

Take a moment to shine to those who are also in the valley. Often when I am so self-focused, I miss the fact that God may have me in this valley to shine a light to others there with me. Maybe I can be a help to someone else. How will I know if I am only looking at myself, boo-hooing?

"Praise God... for wonderful are His works!" Psalm 78:4

in which.... I learn to live dangerously

“....It is time to seek the Lord, till he come and rain righteousness upon you.” Hosea 10:12

“Now set your heart and your soul to seek the LORD your God, arise therefore, and build ye the sanctuary of the LORD God....” 1 Chronicles 22:19

Most of my past posts have been rather preachy/serious and to be honest, that’s ok. But for those of you who aren’t involved in the daily nitty gritty of my life, I wanted to give an update on what God has been doing. And believe me, it’s been quite the ride.

Sometimes, God leads in the most unusual or even odd ways. Often, his calling is one that disregards conventional wisdom because his thoughts are not ours. This can be very uncomfortable though. I mean, if something doesn’t make sense to me, why would I do it?

So when God lead me to withdraw from college I was like....

“WHAT??? ARE YOU SERIOUS?”

Ok, my response wasn’t quite that expressive but there was shock. I mean come on. I have a good social circle, a good GPA, good scholarships, and honestly I like it. People take the fact that I sit in classes, eat a lot, and have one of the most expense social circles ever as something applaudable.

I mean... it makes me a “somebody” in everyone’s books. 

But I realized something startling..

I was really a nobody in God’s book.

I mean, in the words of Fanny Crosby before her conversion to Christ, “What good have I really done?” 

Now I know that I am saved, called to a higher calling, a holy priest(hood), and a part of a special people. But I also know that my impact to advancing that kingdom has been about as extensive and effective as my exercise routine, which is to say... not at all really.

I know I wasn’t saved to sit, I was saved to serve and I am not doing that.

So part of me was really not surprised when God showed me this... I knew that something drastic had to happen in my life as I had dug a rut too deep for my own work to get me out.

I also was extremely insecure in my future plans. I had written them, decided for them, and then handed them to God for His stamp of approval. I got caught up in the glamour of my future that I forgot the present, and also who is really in control. I had no way of really guaranteeing that future would come to pass. I had this underlying doubt all through the school year that I wasn’t living my life in surrender to Christ. I was a good kid, student, son, and church goer, but was I truly Christlike? Christ was surrendered to His Father’s will, even to death on the cross. I know I wasn’t that surrendered!

So this summer God has been breaking me to see that I need to put Him in control. It honestly is super hard. I mean, I am so OCD about control that to just hand it over is hard. Everyday it is a battle on who’s world order I’m living for; God’s or mine.

It’s not like overnight I became this perfect Christian. Ha, I think I’ve had a harder time now than before. Truth be told I still really struggle. I really want to foster myself and my flesh and not surrender and service. 

I mean.. I love me. 

Sounds weird. But it’s true. 

This summer though, God has lead me to withdraw from college, pay off loans, plug into my local church and serve. But most importantly this summer has been, and the rest of my life will be a journey of learning to love God, and others more than I love myself. I’m just a few steps down this never ending journey but I have peace and assurance that this is His will.

So what am I doing now? I’m looking out my window over the beautiful corn and soybean fields to a bright full moon and writing this post. :D But in seriousness, I am looking for full time employment to pay off my 12k in school loans. I am plugging back into my church, serving where God leads, and just being a light where He places me. 

My future? Well it’s all a little blurry but I know this much. I know God wants me to find some kind of ministry to plug into full time for a year after I pay off my loans. He has placed some ministries on my heart and I’m looking into them. 

So I have a question, and hey, I can’t do a post without any preachy part ok? Here it is:

Are you living dangerously?

Some of you are thinking, “hey if you knew my family members and the fact that I have to drive with them... I mean you wouldn’t ask that.” 

No. Not physically dangerous. I mean spiritually.

Have you surrendered yourself to whatever his plans are? Are you vulnerable and open to God?

I hope you will take a moment to just consider with me what God has for you and just hand the throne and scepter over to Him. You’ll be scared, angry, worried, and insecure. It will be hard and there will be obstacles to follow Him with your full heart but there will be this overwhelming peace buried deep inside that He is with you and He is in control.

And it makes it worth it all.

So live dangerously for Christ my friends. I hope to update my blog much more often with personal and preachy posts so do check back. :)