In which - I reckon with my past

His wife said to him, "Do you still retain your integrity? Curse God and die!" "You speak as a foolish woman speaks," he told her. "Should we accept only good from God and not adversity?" Throughout all this Job did not sin in what he said. - Job 2:9-10

I wish I could say what God says about Job applies to me.

But here is the simple fact;

It doesn't.

If there is one thing that I hate to do it is reckon with the past. I hate to be honest with myself.

But the past is what inspires the present. Without the past, there cannot be a present but somehow the past always looks so ugly. Like a bad dream that you just want to get away from but you can't. No matter how hard you try. Sometimes you just start running.

And running.

You know why you are running at first. 

But eventually all you know is;

running.

You thought running from your problems would solve all of them. Ignorance is bliss, right? But in time, the ignorance turns to guilt, which turns to pain, which turns to bitterness, which turns to more running which ends you up so far down the slippery slope that you have no idea how you got there. 

And you sit there and you feel so overwhelmed by your sin and shortcomings. You feel like a spring loaded knife, ready to spring on anyone who steps on your toes. 

You hate who you've become.

But you know no different. You start blaming all those around you. 

After all, my problems can't be my fault now can they?

Welcome to my inside life. That is the life that goes on inside my head. And while I hate to reckon with my past, I can't go on anymore in this pain and bitterness.

So it's time to come clean. It is time for you all to meet me; at my core. Aside from my church face, away from my social image. This is who I am.

I am an angry, 

hurt, 

selfish, 

insecure,

doubting,

and incredibly bitter person. 

But here is another fact; 

I'm tired of being this way.

I have tried to fix myself on my own and all I've done is slip farther away from God. I didn't know why I was so angry and bitter. I thought I had dealt with all the "instances" in my life that could cause this.

Then, as though on a mission direct from God a friend pulls me aside last night and asked the dreaded question.

"Jacob, how are you really doing"?

Ha. That's a zinger right there. I knew I couldn't honestly answer, "I'm great". So I just opened up, only to find out he was going through the same problem. 

This problem of being helpless to fix myself.

This problem of feeling like I had confessed everything.

This problem of feeling like there is this little black monster living inside me and every time I try to grab him, he slips through my fingers. 

I know while all the things I said exist in my life, they all come down to two things. Bitterness and no trust in God. 

I told my friend that I look back in my life and I see how many times my family has been shamed, falsely accused, ridiculed, used and wasted, and outcast for simply wanting to follow God. All this was done by "christian" people.

How can I really want to have anything to do with these "conservative" christians when they live in such an anti-Christian way? Where's the love, the grace? 

My friend looked at me and bluntly said;

"Jacob, you aren't bitter at the people, or the times, you are bitter....

...at God. You don't trust him and are bitter that He let you go through those hard times. "

Well when you put it that way.........

Ouch.

But suddenly it hit me. That is so true. While it hurts to admit it, I just do not trust God. Sure He saved me but every day life just has to be way too complicated for Him to handle. Right? Oh wait.....

This morning I opened up my bible to Job. I knew that if I could learn how to fight bitterness and a lack of trust there was one man I could get those skills from, and that was Job. And that is where these verses come up.

"Should we accept only good from God and not adversity?"

Well Job, thanks for putting that so blunt. It is becoming so clear to me that I have bought into the American-dreamanised-Christianity. 

If God is going to do just good things for me then obviously He isn't trust worthy. But here comes ninja Job saying hey. Do you really think you should only accept good from God? Like really Jacob? God created everything around you. As a matter of fact, He created you! He saved you, and He loves you. Why don't you trust Him?

My friend looks at me again, 

"you need to thank God for all those times, repent of your bitterness to Him, and trust Him. Every time you feel bitter and angry, stop. Thank God for the people, or place, or instance, or things said, or things not said. Thank Him for being so wise to give you what you are experiencing now. Remember who consequences come from. They don't come from us or the devil.

They come from God. And He can be trusted."

It was like a breath of fresh air after being in a closed off closet for 5 years. 

Do I like being responsible and exposed for what I am, no. Does it hurt. Yes. But I now know in my heart what I have always known in my head, 

God can be trusted. 

I know it doesn't feel like it. I know that. But God can be trusted.

My problems run deep. Not trusting God affects everything in my life. I have consequences to deal with and I know I won't be a new person over night. But I know now, that God is the one who is walking through this with me. 

So there you have it. I might have said it in a round about way but I am essentially a bitter and doubting person but with God's help, I long to become the opposite, a grace filled, trusting believer. And I am so thankful that He is showing me how.

Then again, He always has been showing me now, I just needed to open and listen.