"Grace for All" by Holly Starr

Heard this song on the radio the other day was so blessed.


His grace is all I need, 
His power when I'm weak,
And His love that carries me,
will always be enough. 

In which - I reckon with my past

His wife said to him, "Do you still retain your integrity? Curse God and die!" "You speak as a foolish woman speaks," he told her. "Should we accept only good from God and not adversity?" Throughout all this Job did not sin in what he said. - Job 2:9-10

I wish I could say what God says about Job applies to me.

But here is the simple fact;

It doesn't.

If there is one thing that I hate to do it is reckon with the past. I hate to be honest with myself.

But the past is what inspires the present. Without the past, there cannot be a present but somehow the past always looks so ugly. Like a bad dream that you just want to get away from but you can't. No matter how hard you try. Sometimes you just start running.

And running.

You know why you are running at first. 

But eventually all you know is;

running.

You thought running from your problems would solve all of them. Ignorance is bliss, right? But in time, the ignorance turns to guilt, which turns to pain, which turns to bitterness, which turns to more running which ends you up so far down the slippery slope that you have no idea how you got there. 

And you sit there and you feel so overwhelmed by your sin and shortcomings. You feel like a spring loaded knife, ready to spring on anyone who steps on your toes. 

You hate who you've become.

But you know no different. You start blaming all those around you. 

After all, my problems can't be my fault now can they?

Welcome to my inside life. That is the life that goes on inside my head. And while I hate to reckon with my past, I can't go on anymore in this pain and bitterness.

So it's time to come clean. It is time for you all to meet me; at my core. Aside from my church face, away from my social image. This is who I am.

I am an angry, 

hurt, 

selfish, 

insecure,

doubting,

and incredibly bitter person. 

But here is another fact; 

I'm tired of being this way.

I have tried to fix myself on my own and all I've done is slip farther away from God. I didn't know why I was so angry and bitter. I thought I had dealt with all the "instances" in my life that could cause this.

Then, as though on a mission direct from God a friend pulls me aside last night and asked the dreaded question.

"Jacob, how are you really doing"?

Ha. That's a zinger right there. I knew I couldn't honestly answer, "I'm great". So I just opened up, only to find out he was going through the same problem. 

This problem of being helpless to fix myself.

This problem of feeling like I had confessed everything.

This problem of feeling like there is this little black monster living inside me and every time I try to grab him, he slips through my fingers. 

I know while all the things I said exist in my life, they all come down to two things. Bitterness and no trust in God. 

I told my friend that I look back in my life and I see how many times my family has been shamed, falsely accused, ridiculed, used and wasted, and outcast for simply wanting to follow God. All this was done by "christian" people.

How can I really want to have anything to do with these "conservative" christians when they live in such an anti-Christian way? Where's the love, the grace? 

My friend looked at me and bluntly said;

"Jacob, you aren't bitter at the people, or the times, you are bitter....

...at God. You don't trust him and are bitter that He let you go through those hard times. "

Well when you put it that way.........

Ouch.

But suddenly it hit me. That is so true. While it hurts to admit it, I just do not trust God. Sure He saved me but every day life just has to be way too complicated for Him to handle. Right? Oh wait.....

This morning I opened up my bible to Job. I knew that if I could learn how to fight bitterness and a lack of trust there was one man I could get those skills from, and that was Job. And that is where these verses come up.

"Should we accept only good from God and not adversity?"

Well Job, thanks for putting that so blunt. It is becoming so clear to me that I have bought into the American-dreamanised-Christianity. 

If God is going to do just good things for me then obviously He isn't trust worthy. But here comes ninja Job saying hey. Do you really think you should only accept good from God? Like really Jacob? God created everything around you. As a matter of fact, He created you! He saved you, and He loves you. Why don't you trust Him?

My friend looks at me again, 

"you need to thank God for all those times, repent of your bitterness to Him, and trust Him. Every time you feel bitter and angry, stop. Thank God for the people, or place, or instance, or things said, or things not said. Thank Him for being so wise to give you what you are experiencing now. Remember who consequences come from. They don't come from us or the devil.

They come from God. And He can be trusted."

It was like a breath of fresh air after being in a closed off closet for 5 years. 

Do I like being responsible and exposed for what I am, no. Does it hurt. Yes. But I now know in my heart what I have always known in my head, 

God can be trusted. 

I know it doesn't feel like it. I know that. But God can be trusted.

My problems run deep. Not trusting God affects everything in my life. I have consequences to deal with and I know I won't be a new person over night. But I know now, that God is the one who is walking through this with me. 

So there you have it. I might have said it in a round about way but I am essentially a bitter and doubting person but with God's help, I long to become the opposite, a grace filled, trusting believer. And I am so thankful that He is showing me how.

Then again, He always has been showing me now, I just needed to open and listen.

Kiss The Rain-Yiruma

I was digging through my email looking for an old draft when I found a note to myself; "Kiss the Rain -Yiruma". I had no idea why I had written it down so I figured I look it up. All I can say is wow. This song is so beautiful! I hope you guys enjoy!

In which... I join the truck family

If you look out from my front porch you would see corn fields, corn fields, and woods. Living in the country has many benefits and to be honest, I don't think I could live in the city again. Yesterday, I made the leap to the truck family. God provided in so many ways and I am so thankful.

Alright, 'nough said. Time to go use that truck. :)

In which.... I learn to follow in the valley's

We've all been there. You are standing on the highest point of your life, arms up, and all you can do is praise. I mean, it is the natural response.

After all, when all is going well it is going...uhm...well.

But we all know, that the peaks don't last long. As a matter of fact, they probably make up a very small fraction of our lives.

So what is the rest of life? If not peaks, it could be flats. I know I have had many of those "flats". Everything feels stagnant and you don't know where to go, what to do, and you just are too apathetic to do anything at all. But again, while a much larger portion of life than the peaks, this isn't where most of life happens.

From my experience, most of life is experienced in the valley. Those low moments of life that don't seem to end and just keep coming. Those moments that just don't make sense, at all. No matter what you do, you can't escape them and you can't seem to conquer them.

But of course, those are all lies that our enemy would want us to believe.

When walking alone, the valley is indeed, impossible. We cannot handle it. If that was the end of the story it would be discouraging!

But the truth is, even though dark and even though bleak; the valley is where God is, and we do not walk alone. God's heart is in the valley, not for it. Yes, He is there in the peaks and flats, but it is here, in the valley where God shows us who we really are and who He really is. Job was a righteous man, but it wasn't until his trials, the valley in his life that he recognized his need and dependance on God.

It is in these moments, these dark, bittersweet moments where we can learn dependance, trust, and patience. And what more does God require of us other than to love and to trust?

I am in a valley right now. Life just doesn't make sense. But still, through my confusion, hidden tears, and frustration, I feel my Father leaning close, whispering in my ear, and telling me to not fear but just to hold onto Him.


Is this comfortable? No.


Is this where I want to be in life? No.


Is He here with me? Yes.


But I am learning that life is much more than comfort, or wants. Life is about trust and glory; both of which reflect very little towards us and reflect a lot towards our God.

And ultimately, it is about praising God in all moments of life. Including, the valley. So as I take a moment to just praise God during these hard times, I encourage you to do the same. No matter where you are, God's works are indeed as the verse says, "wonderful".

Take a moment to shine to those who are also in the valley. Often when I am so self-focused, I miss the fact that God may have me in this valley to shine a light to others there with me. Maybe I can be a help to someone else. How will I know if I am only looking at myself, boo-hooing?

"Praise God... for wonderful are His works!" Psalm 78:4

in which.... I learn to live dangerously

“....It is time to seek the Lord, till he come and rain righteousness upon you.” Hosea 10:12

“Now set your heart and your soul to seek the LORD your God, arise therefore, and build ye the sanctuary of the LORD God....” 1 Chronicles 22:19

Most of my past posts have been rather preachy/serious and to be honest, that’s ok. But for those of you who aren’t involved in the daily nitty gritty of my life, I wanted to give an update on what God has been doing. And believe me, it’s been quite the ride.

Sometimes, God leads in the most unusual or even odd ways. Often, his calling is one that disregards conventional wisdom because his thoughts are not ours. This can be very uncomfortable though. I mean, if something doesn’t make sense to me, why would I do it?

So when God lead me to withdraw from college I was like....

“WHAT??? ARE YOU SERIOUS?”

Ok, my response wasn’t quite that expressive but there was shock. I mean come on. I have a good social circle, a good GPA, good scholarships, and honestly I like it. People take the fact that I sit in classes, eat a lot, and have one of the most expense social circles ever as something applaudable.

I mean... it makes me a “somebody” in everyone’s books. 

But I realized something startling..

I was really a nobody in God’s book.

I mean, in the words of Fanny Crosby before her conversion to Christ, “What good have I really done?” 

Now I know that I am saved, called to a higher calling, a holy priest(hood), and a part of a special people. But I also know that my impact to advancing that kingdom has been about as extensive and effective as my exercise routine, which is to say... not at all really.

I know I wasn’t saved to sit, I was saved to serve and I am not doing that.

So part of me was really not surprised when God showed me this... I knew that something drastic had to happen in my life as I had dug a rut too deep for my own work to get me out.

I also was extremely insecure in my future plans. I had written them, decided for them, and then handed them to God for His stamp of approval. I got caught up in the glamour of my future that I forgot the present, and also who is really in control. I had no way of really guaranteeing that future would come to pass. I had this underlying doubt all through the school year that I wasn’t living my life in surrender to Christ. I was a good kid, student, son, and church goer, but was I truly Christlike? Christ was surrendered to His Father’s will, even to death on the cross. I know I wasn’t that surrendered!

So this summer God has been breaking me to see that I need to put Him in control. It honestly is super hard. I mean, I am so OCD about control that to just hand it over is hard. Everyday it is a battle on who’s world order I’m living for; God’s or mine.

It’s not like overnight I became this perfect Christian. Ha, I think I’ve had a harder time now than before. Truth be told I still really struggle. I really want to foster myself and my flesh and not surrender and service. 

I mean.. I love me. 

Sounds weird. But it’s true. 

This summer though, God has lead me to withdraw from college, pay off loans, plug into my local church and serve. But most importantly this summer has been, and the rest of my life will be a journey of learning to love God, and others more than I love myself. I’m just a few steps down this never ending journey but I have peace and assurance that this is His will.

So what am I doing now? I’m looking out my window over the beautiful corn and soybean fields to a bright full moon and writing this post. :D But in seriousness, I am looking for full time employment to pay off my 12k in school loans. I am plugging back into my church, serving where God leads, and just being a light where He places me. 

My future? Well it’s all a little blurry but I know this much. I know God wants me to find some kind of ministry to plug into full time for a year after I pay off my loans. He has placed some ministries on my heart and I’m looking into them. 

So I have a question, and hey, I can’t do a post without any preachy part ok? Here it is:

Are you living dangerously?

Some of you are thinking, “hey if you knew my family members and the fact that I have to drive with them... I mean you wouldn’t ask that.” 

No. Not physically dangerous. I mean spiritually.

Have you surrendered yourself to whatever his plans are? Are you vulnerable and open to God?

I hope you will take a moment to just consider with me what God has for you and just hand the throne and scepter over to Him. You’ll be scared, angry, worried, and insecure. It will be hard and there will be obstacles to follow Him with your full heart but there will be this overwhelming peace buried deep inside that He is with you and He is in control.

And it makes it worth it all.

So live dangerously for Christ my friends. I hope to update my blog much more often with personal and preachy posts so do check back. :)

My plans

The best made plans always can fall through. Sometimes we get hurt, sometimes we get bruised. This life is no game. It hurts, it cuts, and it disappoints.

It disappoints. Well that’s the truth right there.

Sometimes you just want to kick every can in your path because...

well...

just because.

You really just want to take it out on some inanimate object... like a can.

There is really no reason.

You have so much to be thankful for here. You have family who loves you, friends who love you, and a God who loves you. But somehow it all seems like a far away dream. Something in the distance.

The disappointment starts to bring tears.

You can’t stop them because you don’t know what causes them.

Somehow though, you feel ridiculous. I mean, come on Jacob. God has a plan. Yes but.. but..

His plan isn’t my plan.

There we go. That’s the problem.

My plan.

I just want my plan to work out because it’s...well...mine. I mean, come on. I’m comfortable with it cause I designed it. “Designed with Jacob in mind” is at the end of each script I write for my life but yet here He comes, breaking through my plans and saying, “nope not today buckaroo”.

But should I really get upset? No. Do I though? Yes..

He has a plan. It’s not signed, “designed for God by God” but it says “designed for Jacob by God.” I don’t understand why things happen the way He designed.. Why so much hurt and pain in my friends lives, in this whole world? Why do good plans fall apart? Maybe just maybe because he knows what is best for me and I can’t see that right now.

Lord. I don’t understand why you had things happen the way they did; why you came crashing into the scene and changed my plans but help me to see through the discomfort and be able to bring comfort to the hurting all around me. You have a reason and I don’t even ask to see this reason. All I ask is that you help me to trust and obey you. I love and thank you for showing me what needs to change in my life. Help me to trust you. I love You, amen.

Unfailing love

“How many years have you planned this moment here?”

This thought struck me when I first heard this song.

Have you ever thought about how much God truly loves you? I rarely take the time to just sit down and be amazed; amazed by who He is, what He does, and how He loves.

How many years? How many of the endless years when there was no such thing as time did God plan to show Himself to us in the little things? Maybe He used the field of budding flowers glowing in the sunshine to send me a love note. Did I catch it or did I miss it? Perhaps it was a little special child's smile and voice brightening up your day or maybe it was that starry night, a sunny day, or a random note from someone you love. All these things are whispering a deep, unnoticed tone we can find all around us that says:

“I love you. Through all this world I’m saying I love you and nothing you ever do can earn that love. Nothing you do can ever secure your salvation. It is all up to Me and child, I will keep you; I will keep you safe in My everlasting arms. If these arms hold all the universe why do you think that I can’t hold you? Nothing you do will ever separate you from My love. You can’t run, you can’t hide, and you can’t sin enough that I will reject you. My Son’s blood reaches down and erases those stains from you my child and you are white as snow in My sight. Don’t forget me as I am coming for you. I love you as a husband loves his bride and searches for her. You, not everyone, not the universe, not religion, YOU child are at the center of my heart and I will never, ever forget you.”

Somehow, I’ve heard all this before. You know how you become so familiar with something you forget it? The amazing thing is God knew, before I forgot, that I would forget and that’s why He gives us a chance to see again. To behold His love for us once again as if it is the first time.

Take a moment to see for the first time again.

God loves you, and me so much. I want to challenge you to join me tonight, tomorrow, and everyday you can to just take a moment and relish God’s love. Look for Him in the small things. Start a journal that just remembers all the ways God showed His love to you because His love is the only reason we have to keep going, and shine a light in a dark and dying world.

“May my motto be Father Lord,
Loving because I’ve been loved.”

Truth moment today

Perhaps you never have encountered the world of homosexuality, but it is a permeating and persistent thought echoing through America's higher education system. At my school it is not commended, or condemned. Almost more frustrating than either. Today I saw this tweet on Twitter.

"Women deserve the right to choose what they want to do with their bodies."

I'm slightly blown away by the selfish and honestly stupid nature of this tweet. But I understand at the same time. It is an only partially selfish and stupid thought. But here were my truth thoughts of the day: (something I've been trying to do to combat the "untruth" I face day in and day out at school )

"Women deserve the right to choose what they want to do with their bodies."

Saw this on twitter today... thought to myself, yes this is true. But two things I'd like to consider. First, when moral, or physical boundaries are crossed outside action must take place. If a women were to commit suicide we would try and stop her. Why? Because it would damage her body and spirit. The same for homosexuality. This also applies to abortion, or events that disregard and degrade a woman's dignity. The same if I wanted to jump off a cliff... sure it is my body but that is just plain stupid to do. If someone tried to stop me and I screamed, "IT'S MY BODY LET ME DO WHAT I WANT", they would promptly send me to the insane asylum. The logic needs to flow both ways, otherwise it is faulty, and irrational. It is ludicrous to separate two evils and try to excuse one. We won't allow suicide, and we should not allow homosexuality, abortion, or this degrading of women. and yes, some of these "choices" you want to make really only degrade you. The exact thing you are trying to fight.

Second of all, it isn't your body. It's God's and you are borrowing it. God condemns this lifestyle in the Bible. If you are borrowing a body from Him, it seems that you should follow His guidelines for that body.

So dear women, and men of the world. It is your body, in a sense. Do as you please. But when your choices comprise moral right and your own physical health we the Christian community will, or at least should step in because that is what true love looks like and that is what we are called to do.

"What? know you not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which you have of God, and you are not your own?" 1 Corinthians 6:19

Intro

Manhood. What is it?

According to popular culture or shall we say the not-so-pop-but-more-hick culture, a man is someone who gets drunk at the bar, drives a pickup truck, shoots guns, plays the six string, and "tries on a new woman" every day. "Pop" culture only gets worse. Tune into any typical downtown pop/rock station and it doesn't take long to pick up on their definition.

Don't those definitions bother anyone else?

I mean seriously. This thought of "what a man is" has been going strong for years. Christians have just refined some of this to make it a little more acceptable to their "church culture". To many Christians, a man is defined by driving a pick-up, shooting guns, being ripped and strong, playing the six-string, loving "your own woman" until death, and working hard "to the point of nothing left" if that is what it takes. Notice the similarities?

Are these traits and characteristics bad? No!

Are these a terrible way to define a man?

Yes. But why?

Shooting guns, driving a pick-up, and playing an instrument are not bad. Loving your wife until death, showing commitment, and working hard are things men are called to by God so why aren't they what define a man? If they are good or at least normal things, why can't we peg them into the definition of a man?

Because that is not how God defines us.

You may wonder, "ok. Good point. But... what is God's definition of being a man?" Good question. I am asking that right now. Over this next week (aka spring break, *yay* :) I intend to dig into His Word and find that definition. Why?

Because I need to be that man. Not a man of the world but a man of God, standing for Him and living a life like His.

Because as I have been surrounded by this world's culture, I've begun to believe their lies and it scares me. I need to reestablish my roots.

This journey will be hard because in some ways what God calls us to be is so counter-culture. But it will be rewarding because I know that God's Word will not return void and worthless.

Rest.

No need for confusion..

Life has provided many ups and downs for me in the past month. It seems that once I've recovered from the up, I'm in a down and the other way around. It's been a time of self-discovery, and a time of self-confusion. Learning, and finding out how much needs learned. A time that says, "hey you, you've got issues" and then, "hey you, you are flying high". A time that will ultimately be for my good as Paul tells us, "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28)

Still, I can't help being confused. I mean seriously, life made so much sense, but now it doesn't. When did I stay from the simple, understandable path? When did I "grow up" past the magic and the sparkling excitement, uncertainty, and hope in the world? Why did I try to solidify everything in my life instead of just trust God to make sense of the unsensible?

Why have I lost my sense of w o n d e r?

Why have we put ourselves in the place of God?

Since when did we develop the ability to know, discern, and create what we think is...

... t r u t h?

How do we determine that fine line of truth and myth?

Is that even possible?

What is truth?

Thankfully for us this fine line, this hunting of truth is not left up to us,

It's up to Him.

The moment that we place ourselves above Him, we are in trouble. Big trouble. Our doctrines and beliefs start crumbling, and we lose our sure footing in Christ's promises. Whenever there is something that doesn't make sense, but Scripture says it is true, the key is to remember these key points:

"Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me." (John 14:6)

"The secret things belong unto the Lord our God: but those things which are revealed belong unto us and to our children for ever, that we may do all the words of this law."(Deuteronomy 29:29)

God really does make it simple for us to understand..

...just trust Me.

We also need a sense of wonder. As Aslan says in Narnia, "There is a deep magic that governs this land, deeper than any known magic."

News flash.

We don't understand everything. 

There is a deeper knowledge to this world, one that we can't understand because we are finite. Only God can understand everything and the fact that he does understand it should instill a sort of awe into our hearts and lives.

Losing this sense of wonder is recreating God.

Recreating a God that is so similar to ourselves...

...that he can be ignored.

So don't listen when they tell you that, "it isn't important what you believe...it doesn't matter if you think the Bible is not true or reliable...who cares about creation anyway as long as we believe God loves us. We can redeem ourselves."

Because it is important what you believe. What they say is false.

Let men be liars, and God be true...

...and go find some wonder in the world. 

:)

01. Grab a mirror and look into it. 
02. See yourself and realize how legit you are. 
03. Punch the mirror and smash it because you’re that cool. 
04. Listen to the Rocky soundtrack. 
05. Get pumped. 
07. Do push ups. 
08. Realize I skipped step 6. 
09. You just checked. 
10. Now you’re smiling. 
11. You’re smiling even bigger now.

This made me smile big too. :)

Mikeschair - You Loved Me First

"I should've known all along, You're the one who loved me first

And if I had to save myself, this never would've worked

I wouldn't be in Your arms, I wouldn't know where to start

But You gave Your life to prove to me what I was worth"

"You loved me first"

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

We love him, because he first loved us." ( 1 John 4:8-9 )

Hoodwinked

Hoodwinked

You've come here for years,

Have your own favorite pew.

People know when you're here,

You come off so smooth.

You wear the right clothes,

Say all the right things.

You are a poster child for Christ's,

or is it your community?

Quickly and craftily you always take charge.

No one takes time to notice you go,

And before they blink twice,

you're on the church throne.

This throne is disguised, 

Most hard to see. 

It takes an expert to crack through your secrecy. 

To most you look innocent,

completely safe and free.

You have them all hoodwinked,

They don't see a thing.

You feel safe and secure,

Like a king or a queen.

The order you promise to easily provide,

Is simply just chaos and quickly divides.

You rest on your laurels and make all seem fine,

But your turmoil shows when you're alone at night.

You have them all hoodwinked.

They don't see a thing.

But know that while most people are fooled,

God can see right through to who's the true fool.

Dear friend know this, here's what God seeks. 

A heart that is tender, soft, and meek.

So before you stroll in,

Next Sunday in pride.

Consider the opinion,

of the Lord in your life.

And don't disregard the words that He said,

The prideful soon fall down to their...

death.

Time to be the salesman :)

You guys can help me earn money towards books by looking into this.. If you sign up for Amazon Student ( which is free:) I get a $10 credit per person. The benefits include 6 months of Prime ( free two day shipping ) and then prime is half off as long as you are a student. ( 41 bucks instead of 78 or something like that ) You also get a free kindle book a month. If you buy textbooks or anything else from Amazon look into it.. We've used Prime for a while now and love it.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/student/signup/info?ie=UTF8&refcust=4ASJFJXKG2H2KERNLZ4SDWKOCU&ref_type=generic

Edit.. It's $49 for Prime by students.. not 41. ;)

The way to wake up..

You slumber. And if you are like me, you might slumber long. In fact, slumbering doesn't even do the event justice. The word hibernation might just come close, but still lacks the power to describe my changing sleeping patterns since school let out.

One of my favorite things to wake up and see is the sunrise. From my window I look out over our little country valley and see the silhouettes of trees, passing cars, and golden red rays of the sun just peeking up over the mountains/hills around us. It is needless to say, beautiful. The rising sun reminds me of God's grace. Every day we have a chance to start fresh and begin again. It also lets me know that He is merciful. As Matthew tells us,

"..for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust." Matthew 5:45

There are times I fall in the unjust/evil category. But I know I can call on my Father when I fall, when I'm down. He helps me up, cleans the cuts and scrapes, and keeps the sun going.

This morning I couldn't resist the chance to get out and take some pictures. I've included some of my favorites. Most are raw but I put one or two into Lightroom.